


Answers

by spacedaydreamer



Series: The Terrorist [4]
Category: Zero Escape (Video Games), Zero Escape: Zero Time Dilemma - Fandom
Genre: Gen, it's an ok ending, mostly rather introspective thought and reflection, no huge warnings to this one, there are a few mild references to suicide though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-07
Updated: 2017-10-07
Packaged: 2019-01-10 03:54:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12290676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacedaydreamer/pseuds/spacedaydreamer
Summary: Junpei's life seemed to be filled with more and more questions these days. He found himself genuinely curious about them, and about who he'd been- but were they questions that were even really relevant anymore? Was the 'him' of before even attainable anymore... and what did that mean for the 'him' of now?





	Answers

 

"Akane?”

“Yes, Junpei?”

“I, um… I think I want to try going outside.”

Akane blinked, the shock of his request obvious on her face. Junpei had known it would probably confuse her, and it might even upset her- but he’d wanted to try. He _really did_ think he’d been getting better, and he’d wanted to prove it to her. He wanted to prove to Akane that he was getting better.

“Are you sure? There’s a lot that goes on, you might get overstimulated-“

“I know. But, I… I want to try.” It was probably a stupid request, really. Half the time he could hardly even handle being around a few other people in a conversation, so how could he expect himself to handle someplace that’s _not_ a controlled environment? “If things go poorly, I… I trust that you’ll be there. Right?”

“Of course I will. It’s just…” She sighed, and looked to the side. “Just give me some time, okay Junpei? I don’t want to be rushing you, or it might just make things worse. You’ve been doing really well, and I’m _really_ proud of you. I don’t want to end up undoing all the progress you’ve made.”

“I understand.”

“Thank you, Junpei. Now, I should be going off to do some work…”

“Alright…”

“I’ll be back again later, I promise.”

“Okay.”

Akane left the room, leaving Junpei to stare at the wall. He’d been keeping it a secret, but recently… he’d been trying to remember. It was a mixed bag- sometimes he’d remember bits and pieces of things from before everything had happened… but other times he’d end up recalling something from that first room, and he’d set himself off badly.

Still, the times where he _could_ remember made it worthwhile in the end. A lot of it felt empty; he still was missing far too much to even really know what he’d actually been like before, but he’d gotten a few things back that felt like they actually _belonged_ to him.

It was strange, really. From a _logical_ standpoint, he was aware of what he’d been like before. There were some memories, and he’d asked Akane to tell him what things were like- but they didn’t _feel_ like him. It felt disconnected, like they belonged to someone else, and he really didn’t know why. He knew it _should_ feel like him, so why didn’t it?

Allowing himself to fall backwards onto his bed, Junpei continued to think as he stared at the ceiling. Why was it that when Akane told him about things or showed him pictures it all felt false, but when he was able to hold onto a bit of a memory from before, it felt real? What was the real difference? He could trust Akane, he knew that she wasn’t lying to him about their childhood. There was no _reason_ to lie.

All of this confusion and disconnection just made Junpei want to remember even _more_. He wanted to know exactly what he’d been like, he wanted to be able to be like what Akane remembered, he wanted to make her happy- but that was easier said than done. Remembering was hard, and it hurt, and half the time it didn’t work… and each time he _could_ recall something, it just left a little bit more of a fear in the bottom of his chest.

What if he _did_ remember, but he still felt nothing connecting him to who he’d been? What if that part of him was just… gone? What if he could _never_ be the person Akane wanted him to be?

Junpei simply bit his lip, pulling at the skin as he continued to stare upwards.

* * *

 

“He wants to go outside.”

“Really?”

“Yes.” Akane sighed, grabbing onto her arm and looking to the side. She trusted Junpei, she _really did_ , but she didn’t know if he was ready for this. “Sigma, what should I do? Should I let him?”

“…do you think he’s capable of handling it?”

“I don’t know. I certainly don’t think he’d be able to go downtown, or anything like that…”

“Then, don’t take him downtown.”

“But where else could we go? There’s going to be a lot of people no matter where we are- I don’t want him getting overwhelmed.”

“Have you considered taking him _out_ of town?”

“…?”

Sigma gave her a blank stare, blinking a couple times before shrugging.

“Take him out to a field or something, I donno. He gets outside, and there’s no people around. Then he can tell if he wants to keep trying or not.”

“But Sigma, he’d have to go in a _car_. There’s no way that he’d be able to take it-“

“You’ll figure something out. You’re smart, Akane.”

She sighed, shaking her head. As time had gone on and Junpei had improved, Sigma seemed to be willing to give out less and less useful advice. She wasn’t exactly _grateful_ for the lack of involvement, but she could guess why he was doing it- he wanted to make sure that she wasn’t becoming too reliant, either on him _or_ on Junpei.

“Fine then. I’ll figure out what to do myself.”

“Glad to hear it.”

She rolled her eyes at Sigma’s response, resting her chin on her hands and allowing herself to get caught up in thought. Junpei wanted to go outside… Well, they’d have to take baby steps. It would be questionable if he could even make it out the door to reach a car, in all honesty… there were always people around, and chances were high that being faced with so many people could be… difficult.

However, allowing himself to stay shut up by himself forever wasn’t going to help him. It would never make things better for him- he wasn’t being allowed to recover at all, only allowed to stagnate. If he never went outside, then she’d pretty much be guaranteeing that he’d never be able to get better.

Then, they’d just have to take things one step at a time. Akane was good at planning, she had plenty of experience with it- she could take a few days, and write out the most in-depth step-by-step plan she could think of. It’d take some time, yes, but she was certain that she’d be able to figure out a process that could get Junpei outside, just like he’d asked. She could do this for him- she _believed_ in him. And even if things went wrong, there was always soporil to get him safely back to the building.

* * *

Junpei was standing in the doorway leading outside of the building, frozen in place. It was the side door, and it only led to an alley- but he could _hear_ the people in the street, and it was making him nervous. His hands started to shake, and he began to look around in obvious worry.

“A-Akane, I-I….”

She took one of his hands into her own, giving him a warm smile with a tilt of the head.

“How are you doing, Junpei? I’m right here, and I’ll stay beside you. Do you think you can do this?”

He most certainly did _not_ think that he could, but he didn’t want to disappoint Akane. The car was just at the end of the alleyway, he’d only have to be out around the crowds for a few seconds… but could he do it? Maybe it was better to just stay inside after all, where it was safe and people already knew about his… issues.

No, no no _no_. he’d been the one to suggest going outside to Akane, so he had to be the one to actually do it. He couldn’t give up- he didn’t want her to be disappointed in him. He had to _try_.

“I-I… I’ll be fine. I can do this…”

His movements were stiff and closed off, but he forced himself out of the doorway. One foot at a time, left, then right… his movements were slow but methodical, and he gripped tightly onto Akane’s hand the closer they got to the street.

“Junpei, I want you to let go of my hand for a second, and put these on.” She held up earmuffs and sunglasses- a bit of an odd combo to be wearing in the summer… “The muffs will block out some of the noise, and the sunglasses have thicker rims to cut off your peripheral vision. That way, you won’t be seeing as many people. Okay?”

“Okay…”

He did as he asked, noticing immediately that the noise from the street was indeed much quieter. Akane clearly had to speak up a bit to still be heard, but Junpei did his best to make sure he could still make out what she was saying.

“Now, it’s not too far from here to the car. I’ll get in the back seat with you, okay? And I’ll be staying there when we drive- but if you need us to stop, or you don’t think you can handle any more, we’ll stop. You can tell me, okay? I won’t be upset.”

“Okay, Akane.”

“Good. Now, I want you to take my hand again, and we’ll start walking.”

He nodded, gripping tightly onto her hand and slowly beginning to walk forwards. He felt his heartbeat quicken as they stepped out onto the street- there were _so many_ people… they were bustling about, without a care in the world. He squeezed Akane’s hand harder and pressed up to her side- he could do this. He could do this. H-He could.. he could…

Squeezing his eyes shut, he forced himself to walk the last few steps, and then practically _jumped_ into the car. Akane’d had it specially remodelled so that there was only a little window to the front that he could easily ignore, and the back windows were heavily tinted. Removing the earmuffs, Junpei looked over to Akane for guidance on what to do next.

“Seatbelt, Junpei.” He blinked and nodded, watching as she smiled. The smile was… reassuring. “I’m very proud of you, Junpei. I know that was scary for you, but you did a wonderful job.”

“…really?”

“Yes, really.”

Even though his heart was pounding, Junpei felt himself smile as well. He’d done okay... that was good! Really good. The smile didn’t leave his face even as the car started, and they pulled out and began driving. He made certain not to look out the window, putting the sunglasses back on to make it near-impossible to see out when he _did_ happen to accidentally look outside.

He held onto Akane’s hand the entire way, only getting visibly nervous when the car seemed to pull off road for a while, into an area that was very bumpy. However, they eventually stopped- and when they did and Akane finally got him outside, he found that they were entirely alone in an open area- just them, the driver, the car, and the sky.

There was a wind blowing through the area, and he found himself wincing at first- but time went on, and he made himself relax. It was just a wind, it wasn’t like it could _hurt_ him.

They spent a while outside, just allowing him to get used to sun and sky and grass and wind. It was quiet, but a different kind of quiet than the building- there was almost a music to it, in the rustling of the grass and birds in nearby trees.

_A hill that overlooked the town…_

_Warm summer evenings in yukata, watching fireworks…_

_Play fights and tag, running around the park…_

He blinked as fragments of memories started to wash over him, distant bits of nostalgia that felt both familiar and far away. Still, despite how _odd_ they felt… they were warm. They felt _real_ , like it was actually _him_ in those memories. They were nice.

“Junpei? Are you alright? You look a bit sad…”

“Oh, I’m alright.” He turned to look at Akane, and only then did he realize that he’d started to tear up a little bit. “Akane… you know how you would tell me about that hill where we grew up?”

“Yes, what about it?”

“I… think I remembered it. Just a little bit.”

“You did?”

“Well, it’s more of a feeling. Like, the wind, and the lights… the sun was warm, and there were birds and cicadas. I don’t really remember much more, but… it feels real. It feels like a memory, not just an image like all the other things.”

Akane’s smile was warmer than any sunlight he’d ever felt on his skin, he was certain of that.

“I’m so glad to hear that, Junpei. I really am. But… why would that make you sad?”

“That’s…” His face fell, and he wasn’t entirely sure why. The memories were real, and warm, and yet thinking about them only made him feel more and more sad. After a second, he realized why. “I feel… lonely. They make me remember that things won’t ever be like that again, and… it makes me miss them. Does that make sense? How can I miss memories I didn’t even realize were _mine_ until a few minutes ago?”

“Aah… memories are confusing like that, aren’t they?” Akane’s smile was soft and just a little bit sad, but there was a depth of understanding to it that made him feel safe. “I can’t really answer that for you, Junpei. It’s something that you’ll have to figure out for yourself.”

“But…” He trailed off, looking to the side. Akane was supposed to have all the answers, right? She was the one who was helping him, she knew everything about _him_ , and about what to do- so it just made sense that she’d be able to answer his question. “Akane, I don’t really understand it. It doesn’t make any sense. I shouldn’t feel _lonely_ … so why do I?”

She looked up to the sky, letting out a soft sigh. Her eyes were looking at something Junpei couldn’t make out- and then the moment passed, and they turned back to him.

“Will you hold my hand for a moment, Junpei?”

“H-Huh?”

“I promise, I’m not plotting anything. I just want you to hold my hand for a second, I think that might help you figure something out.”

“Okay…”

He did as she asked, taking her outstretched left hand into his right.

“Good. Now, I want you to close your eyes for a moment, okay?”

Nodding, Junpei did just that. It was odd- it felt like he could feel too much. The air was moving, there was grass tickling his legs and making him fidget, and Akane’s hand was warm- so _warm_. More memories came back, vague impressions of those hot summer nights where they would simply sit together, talking for hours until one of them had to go home. There was nothing specific, no words exchanged or anything like that for him to remember, but… again, it filled him with that strange sense of loneliness.

“That’s… I…” He didn’t open his eyes, but his shoulders slumped forwards while his hand squeezed Akane’s. “It… it feels like… home. In a way.”

Home… what was home? He could hardly recall what his childhood home looked like, and he couldn’t remember at all where he’d lived after that. The room was burnt into his mind, he would _never_ forget it- but it wasn’t a home. It was just the room. After that was the next room, and then DCoM, and then the room with Akane’s people… was that a home?

He would admit, it did feel a little similar. It was the place that he knew he’d go back to, a place that he didn’t mind being- he felt safe there. He knew he was safe, because Akane was there and she helped him, and she’d helped keep him safe from Them. The ‘impressions’ felt comforting and warm, and right… and while the room with Akane’s people perhaps didn’t feel _quite_ the same, it didn’t feel _bad_. At the very least, it was nowhere _near_ as bad as the _other_ rooms he’d been in.

“What’s home for you, Akane?”

“Home is… I suppose it’s where I feel comfortable. It’s around you, or Aoi, or even Sigma or Diana or Phi.”

“People can feel like _home?_ ”

“Yes, they can. They make you feel safe.”

“Safe…” Junpei’s eyes opened, and he looked over to Akane. “I think that you’re home for me, then. That’s something I can remember- every place, you made me feel safe.”

She’d been all he’d had, after all. In many ways, she was _still_ all he had- Akane was home. So long as he had her, he’d feel safe.

* * *

They stayed out there for only a short while longer, Junpei spending his time simply wondering what “safe” truly felt like, and what “home” really was to him. He quickly grew tired- as quiet as it was out here, it was still a significantly larger amount of stimulation than he was used to. He was practically asleep by the time Akane helped him back into the car, and he’d passed out within moments of the car starting, his hand still grasping tightly onto hers.

Overall, Akane was happy. She was glad that Junpei had managed to hold himself together despite his fears- but, she herself was feeling melancholic now. Despite what she’d told Junpei about home, she honestly didn’t have the strongest sense of it herself. After all, so much of her life had been spent moving about- first as an orphan, then as the planner of the nonary game, and then as the leader of Crash Keys. She really didn’t have any true ‘home’, not in the traditional sense at least. Her brother _was_ certainly home to her, as was Junpei… what she’d told him hadn’t been a lie. It was just more complicated than that.

She found herself deep in thought even as they returned back to the office, calling Sigma down to help her lift Junpei back to his room. He didn’t wake up once, a peaceful look on his face. Honestly, if it weren’t for the scars covering his body, it would’ve been easy to think that he was just your average young adult. Asleep like that, he looked… happy.

The thoughts didn’t leave her mind, even as she made her way back to her apartment. She found Aoi seated on the couch watching some comedian on the tv, and after a moment she decided to sit down beside him.

“…Do you think we’re doing the right thing?”

“Huh?”

“Everything… everything we did was for the best, right?”

“Akane…” Aoi blinked, sighed, and hit the pause button on the tv. “This is about Junpei, I’m guessing?”

“It’s that obvious?”

He flicked her forehead, the usual tired smirk on his face.

“Of course it is. Weren’t you guys going outside today? How’d it go?”

“It went well. He… ended up remembering a bit. Mostly just impressions, but he told me… he told me he felt like he missed those memories.” She sighed, eyes falling to the floor as he shoulders began to feel heavy. “What can I really say to that, Aoi? How am I supposed to tell him why he feels lonely when he remembers his childhood?”

“I dunno.”

“Oh, _real_ helpful.” Aoi just chuckled as she punched his arm, retaliating by ruffling her hair. “You have to have _some_ idea, right?”

“In all honesty Akane? Not really. I mean, all of this is… _way_ out of what I ever expected to happen.” He sighed, the same sigh that Akane found herself giving too often. “You’ll probably have a better idea of what’s going on than me, Akane. But, maybe he’s just feeling lonely because he _wants_ to remember? I’d imagine it’d have to feel pretty hollow if all you had up there was memories of being tortured, and a handful of things from your childhood. He might’ve been an airhead before, but not even _he_ was _that_ empty.”

“ _Aoi!_ Don’t be so rude.”

Again he laughed, prompting Akane to pout. Some things never changed…

“Hey, I’m just saying it like I see it.”

“I know, I know… and, you might not be all wrong.”

“Oh, so you agree that he was an airhead?”

“ _Aoi._ ” He only shrugged, and Akane sighed. “I _meant_ , that it would make sense if he’s trying to remember things. But, I can’t _force_ him to remember- that could be dangerous.”

“Then just show him other ways of remembering things. Or don’t even bother getting him to remember, and just move on. Or do something in between, I don’t know. You’ll find your answer, Akane.”

“My answer…”

They went quiet after that, but Akane found herself thinking more about Aoi’s words- what was her answer? Hopefully, given some time, she’d at least come close to figuring it out…

* * *

 

“Akane?”

“Yes, Junpei?”

“I think.. I want to keep trying still. Outside, I mean… I think it went sort of well last time.” Junpei’s fingers were linked together as he spoke, trying to quell the nervousness in his stomach. He’d been thinking a lot recently, about himself and about Akane and about ‘home’, but he wasn’t sure if he’d reached an answer for what it truly was. “I don’t think I could do a place with people, but.. I… don’t want to stop trying yet, if that’s okay with you. Being outside was... almost nice, in a way.”

“Of course it’s okay with me, Junpei. I’m really proud that you’re trying so hard.”

“Thanks..”

His voice drifted off as he looked up to the ceiling, just trying to think about _things_. He wasn’t even sure what exactly it was that he was thinking about, but it was _probably_ important- or at the very least, it was relevant? He still had trouble focusing on any one thing for too long, and he had trouble remembering things, but he’d gotten better at holding onto those feelings.

“Akane… are you upset that I’m not like I was before?”

“Huh?”

“That I’m.. different. That I _feel_ different. I’m not the same person you remember- does that upset you?”

“No, it doesn’t. I… my answer is that I’m just happy that you’re trying, Junpei.”

“Answer? Answer to what?”

“…to what I’m supposed to do. I know I seem composed, but I don’t always have all the answers, Junpei. I get confused too.”

“Akane…” He blinked when she admitted as such- it was hard for him to comprehend, really. The idea that Akane could get _confused_ , or that she _didn’t_ know everything just.. didn’t match up for him. It didn’t meet what he knew inside of his head, making for a strange bit of cognitive dissonance. “Should I be looking for an answer too, then? What I should do?”

“No, you don’t need to rush into things-“

“I.. I think I _want_ to look for an answer though, Akane. I think… I’ll keep trying, and see if I can figure out an answer. Is that okay?”

“Yes, of course. And I’ll do my best to help you, alright?”

He nodded, relaxing when he saw a smile come onto Akane’s face. He wanted to remember things, he still wanted to try being more like the person Akane remembered- but he wasn’t sure if that was entirely necessary anymore. He had no idea what his answer might be, but he at least had a chance.. and if what Akane wanted for him was truly just for him to keep trying, then he believed that his answer lied down that path.

In reality, although he wouldn’t tell Akane, he felt _lucky_. He felt lucky that he’d been given this chance, lucky that he hadn’t died (or more accurately, killed himself), and lucky that he still had a anyone who wanted to be around him. A basic understanding of his life and his memories told him that this world was probably one in a million, that this was probably just luck of the draw that he’d improved at all… but that didn’t bother him.

And he wasn’t so naïve to think that this was the end of things, either- he didn’t know if he could trust himself fully, still. Things could go wrong, any number of things… but for now he did really want to keep trying. He didn’t really have any desire to talk to people, he didn’t want to get used to outside for the sake of being able to ‘reintegrate’ with society, or anything like that; but he did still want to go outside. It had been busy and difficult to focus on much other than Akane, but he’d still liked that feeling of something _different_. That alone had made going outside feel worthwhile to him- truly worthwhile.

And perhaps, finding something worthwhile was an answer of itself.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, an ending where Junpei isn't dead? A shock, I know. While certainly a 'good' ending comparatively, it's still really only an 'ok' ending- he's healing slowly, but it's really not possible for Junpei to be completely healthy after everything he's gone through. Relapse and rushing things are also still quite possible.. but there is that slim chance that he could reach some level of stability. It would be difficult, something hard to obtain in this already hard to reach timeline, but not impossible. If anyone deserves at least a chance at a stable life, it's the Junpei from this AU- I put him through some rough times.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! These endings were so much fun to write, and have all been in process for months now- it's been exciting to finally get them out to share. As well, thanks to the nature of this AU, it's possible I may get more ideas for more endings (I'll admit I have a few floating around already) and those could be added as new fics, should the inspiration strike!
> 
> Regardless though, thank you all so much for reading these. This AU is as special to me as the safe end!au, and seeing that people have been reading it means so much to me, every kudos and comment encourages me to keep writing. Have a great day!


End file.
